10 peaceful wishes for Matty Cash that will make you smile

Wishing injury on opposition players isn’t nice. But we can wish for other things!

• By
  
  Dustin George-Miller
  
• on November 29, 2023 1:53 pm

We’re all mad at Matty Cash, and rightfully so. Cash, Aston Villa’s current resident goon, made an awful late tackle on Rodrigo Bentancur during Tottenham’s match against Villa. This tackle was not only late but also cynical, high, and dirty, especially against a player like Bentancur who had only recently come back from a nine-month injury absence due to a torn ACL. Although he received a yellow card, it was far from enough.

Yesterday, it was revealed that Cash’s tackle resulted in Lolo sustaining an ankle injury, and he is not expected to return to Spurs’ squad until the middle of February.

This website has always upheld a strict policy against endorsing injury wishes on players, even those from rival teams whom we dislike. This policy, started by our founder Kim McCauley, holds that wishing physical harm on our enemies, including rival football club players, is never a good idea. Despite difficult moments due to incidents against Spurs, we maintain this stand, as should we all, even against the likes of John Terry, Joey Barton, Diego Costa, and Charlie Adam, all of whom exhibited unsportsmanlike behavior on the football field.

Therefore, while we refrain from wishing injury upon Matty Cash as a result of him hurting our player, we can certainly wish OTHER things for him. Inconveniences. Small petty problems. Minor frustrations.

So let’s list a few: things we wish for Matty Cash following Lolo’s ankle injury. Some are original, some are from comments, and others are borrowed from The Extra Inch Discord server, of which I’m a member (thanks, y’all!).

• I hope it rains on Matty Cash’s next birthday.
• I hope Matty Cash forgets to water his plants.
• I hope Matty Cash realizes he’s out of coffee filters the next time he tries to make coffee first thing in the morning.
• I hope Matty Cash has to wait in a four-hour Ticketmaster digital queue for Taylor Swift tickets, only to not get them.
• I hope Matty Cash loses one of his AirPods.
• I hope Matty Cash forgets to put salt in his water softener and ends up with calcium rings around all his toilets.
• I hope Matty Cash’s favorite band comes to town, but he has a dentist appointment the same day.
• I hope Matty Cash loses his phone and forgets to back up his Google Authenticator codes.
• I hope Matty Cash lets his D&D party down by rolling just below the required skill check success at a number of fairly critical moments.

Pedro

Mendes Gave Birth to VAR I hope that, no matter what variety he buys, every apple he ever eats again in his life is mealy

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• I hope the radio on Matty Cash’s car gets stuck on a station that only plays Diamond Lights.
• I hope Matty Cash gets nothing but Tottenham history questions at his next pub trivia night.
• I hope nobody will trade resources with Matty Cash the next time he plays Settlers of Catan.
• I hope someone flushes the toilet the next time Matty Cash is taking a shower.

This is a creative (and gloriously petty) community. Let’s have some of your suggestions in the comments. Remember, non-violent small inconveniences only! And let’s try to keep them at most PG-13, yeah?

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